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Wishful thinking

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Yesterday I was an emotional rollercoaster. No one died. No one got hurt. Nothing major actually happened. Yesterday I worried about a million things that might happen, could happen and probably wouldn’t happen. Yesterday I cried, smiled, laughed, shouted, cursed and giggled.

Yesterday is over.

Yesterday…

I need to sort nursery care for Roo two days a week, as I return to work part-time in a few weeks. I need to sort after school care for Boo. I have no work clothes. I have no clothes. I need to sort out things for a boot fair. I had to submit my QTLS application to the IFL before the end of the month. It’s my sister’s birthday tomorrow. I messed up the dates for when my Mum is meant to be coming to stay in a few weeks. I shouted at D…it was always going to be his fault. I sorted the dates. Am I a bad Mum for returning to work?  It’s good that I work. I enjoy working. I want to be a stay at home Mum. I’m going to write a book. Perhaps we should go on holiday. Let’s go to Italy. I got annoyed at D for being realistic and stating that we probably shouldn’t book a holiday until after we move. What shall we do for my 30th? Let’s look at wedding venues. I’m probably the only person in the world who has been engaged forever. Roo might need shoes soon. I need to speak to the nursery about his routine. It might rain and Boo’s sport’s day might get cancelled. Remember to go to get eyebrows waxed tomorrow. What is this baby hair I have growing near my fringe? Boo needs a haircut. I wonder what Roo’s hair will be like when he get’s older. Let me check my teaching timetable for next year. I need to read through that stack of books. It’s so hot in here. At least we’ll have a garden when the house is built. It’s so annoying living in this apartment. It’s been so cool living here. I wonder if we can see the house soon.

D: Do you want to go and do the food shopping and I’ll look after Roo?

It was 9:40am.

Honestly how had I managed to let my mind go into overdrive like that?!

It’s not the first time, in fact my brain quite frequently works like this and I’m pretty sure I’m not alone. I’m also pretty convinced that social media must take responsibility for my ridiculous ‘they are having such a beautiful life’ envy. Ok, I’m responsible for using my social media feeds, but I wonder how much more focused I might have been yesterday and how much more accepting and contented I might have been if I didn’t check my Instagram or Facebook account so often?

Yesterday I felt completely and utterly overwhelmed by silly things. D had a pretty rubbish day too. Possibly not helped by my little outbursts, but hey we have been engaged forever so he really is used to them by now.

After picking Boo up from school, we loaded up the car and decided to head out to a local woodland.

Me: Do you want to take your phone?

D: No, leave it here.

The sun was beaming through the canopy of trees and the breeze whispered through the leaves. We stopped and made a den in a clearing. For that moment, in the stillness of the air and the quietness of our movements, it was just us. The four of us. Amongst real life. I sighed. I smiled. I watched Boo and D carry tree branches. I moved Roo closer in the pram so he could see what we were doing. In that moment nothing mattered at all. Right then I was contented. So happy. I’d escaped on my own door step, with the people I adore the most. We were so free. No constraints. No work calls for D. Just the four of us. Building a den. Building a home.

Perhaps that was the lesson I needed to learn. When you strip it all away. Back to basics. That’s all we are really doing. All that worrying about nursery placements, clothes, schools, work, holidays, weddings, and more. All we are really trying to do is build our family home. That’s why we are working. That’s why we are juggling it all. That’s why we came home and had a family dinner at the table. Together.

Yesterday I built a den with my family in the woods. Yesterday I drank mojitos in the evening with my fiancé. Yesterday my daughter moved up a level in her reading, I hugged her so hard. Yesterday my son giggled so much at his big sister. Yesterday we got a step closer to building our family home.

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Stella XXX

 

 

 

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3 Comments Join the Conversation

  1. That’s a really lovely post pickle and I can empathise. What worriers we are! You have a beautiful family, your health, your loved ones and that’s what matters x x x

    Reply

  2. Stella you ninny pants. Every single one if us feels like this. Would it make you feel a bit reassured to know that you, your life, and the way you are raising your family is an inspiration to me ? I’m completely envious of the way you make beautiful memories together. I have 8, yes. 8, keep in touch days coming up. My tummy is full if dread. As Michael Jackson once sang “you are not alone, I am here with you. Though we’re far apart, you’re always in my heart”. #cheese xxxxxxxxxxxx

    Reply

  3. What a beautiful post and I think we all feel like this from time to time. x

    Reply

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